Life as a Fat Person . . .

Being 48 and morbidly obese is not fun.  I’m tired of the constant back pain from hauling around an extra person for the past 15 years.  I’m tired of not being able to sleep through the night because I literally have to wake up to turn over.  I’m tired of it being a major production to get up from a seated or prone position.  I have a mission.  I want to drop 101 pounds within the next 384  days.  My daughter will be getting married then.  I do not want to wear Plus Size clothing to it . . . Or ever again for that matter.

Most people would not know from looking at me that I have self-esteem issues.  I have hidden it well over the years.  When I talk with someone and mention that I have low self-esteem, he/she is shocked.  I have gotten good at faking over the years.  During my lowest, I would not leave the house except to take the kids to school.  I was so bad that when my daughter graduated high school in 2005, I was there for the ceremony but immediately left afterward.  She has no pictures with me or of me from that day.  I was in a really dark space.

In that dark space, I hurt my children.  I hurt my husband.  I hurt my family.  I cannot undo the damage I have inflicted on them from that time.  I am thankful they are loving and forgiving.  I am thankful they love me for me – no matter my size. Now, I must learn to do the same.

Since I am no longer in school, I now have the time to focus on getting me healthy again.  I know it took several years to pack on 93 pounds.  I know it will take dedication and determination to remove it.  My goal is 100 pounds in one year.  I WILL achieve my goal this time.  I am determined.  I am dedicated.  I am committed.

But I have another goal.  I want to help others.  It’s in my nature and character.  I spent 13 years as an Active Duty Marine.  I’m a Service Desk Technician – IT Help Desk person.  I enjoy helping others.  My mother was a Certified Nursing Assistant for my entire life.  My husband is a retired Marine.  My daughter is an RN, BSN.  My oldest son is an Active Duty Marine.  My youngest son is still finding himself but I have a feeling he is leaning toward a servicing career of some sort.

I want to reach out to others who may be feeling as I do or may be going through something similar.  I want to let them know they are NEVER alone with how they feel or whatever life has thrown at them.  I want to go on a weight loss journey with someone who is starting out, starting over (like me), or is thinking about it.

I’m going to try and share all the crazy (and sometimes morbid or REALLY off-the-wall) thoughts that go through my head.  I will share them in the hopes it will make someone smile or maybe laughI will be sharing the not-so-funny thoughts, too.  I will be sharing the ones that make me cry, scream and say MANY bad words.

Having said all of that, I think I’m going to start with the most recent incident.  Word of warning, though.  I tend to jump around sometimes.  I will try to stay on track, but . . .

Anyway, my oldest niece recently got married (Friday, 11 July 2014).  Her mother is one of my three sisters.  Three of us are the same height and very similar in build:  5’2″ and obese.  Our baby sister is 5’7″ and is thin.  Our brother is 6′ and built just like the truck driver he is.  So, this sister, whom I have not seen since probably around Christmas time or so, says to me, “Bad idea your daughter putting those pictures on Facebook.  Bad idea.  You look like you  have no neck.”  There was no “Hi! Nice to see you,” or “Congratulations on your Bachelor’s Degree.”  Nothing.  Just a damn comment about how I looked like I have no neck.

Screw you.  I already know I’m fat.  The damn Graduation gown looked like a friggin’ moomoo on me!  Do I really need a family member pointing out something to me that is glaringly obvious?!  I was proud to have earned my damn Bachelor’s Degree.  I spent the past four years achieving a goal I never thought I would.  Instead of being happy, she had to make a freakin’ snarky damn comment.  Way to show your damn love, Sister.  Way to show your damn love.

Thankfully, my husband, children, mom and other siblings were proud of me and my achievements.  Both my daughter and my husband said the same thing when I mentioned it to them and that was she was jealous.  She’s jealous of my degree.  She’s jealous of my life.  I guess I just never thought of it that way.

I have been doing the 21 Day Fix workouts since Monday, 28 July 2014.  I started following the eating plan on Thursday, 31 July 2014.  I’m not as strict on that, though.  And therein lies the problem.  Eating.  Food.  Portion control.  This is where I REALLY REALLY REALLY struggle.  I need the food laid out just like the workouts are.  I have too damn many choices.  It also doesn’t help that I’m a picky eater.  I’m hoping to find a menu made by a person that is just as bloody picky as I am!

The workouts are no joke.  I have dropped major sweat with every workout.  I have to do the “Yoga Fix” today.  Not quite sure if I’m going to like that one.  I’m not too great a fan of the yoga.  Some of the positions are hard for me to get into.  Of course, it probably has to do with the fact that I’m fat and not as limber/flexible as I used to be.  I’ve had to modify some of the modifier’s modifications because I just cannot do the moves yet.  BUT . . . my back does not appear to be hurting nearly as much.  That means there’s no giving up or quitting!!  🙂

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6 thoughts on “Life as a Fat Person . . .

  1. Don’t give up or quit! The positions and exercises will get easier as you get stronger. I’m looking forward to watching your journey so keep posting. Keep up the hard work, reach out to me if you need any support – I have done the 21 Day Fix as well 🙂

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    • Thank you! I have just finished the first week of workouts. Definitely do not like the Yoga Fix. I had to modify the modifier’s modifications. The hardest part for me is always the darn food. 🙂 I’ve got to find a menu that I will like – one that has lots of EASY things to prep. Suzy Homemaker I am not! I hate cooking. It’s not that I can’t. I just hate it. 🙂 The less prep, the happier I am. 😀 I am open to suggestions for menu options!

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      • I hear yah! I have that same issue, luckily for me my BF LOVES to cook and makes everything other than breakfast for me .

        The other day I attempted to make cookies and started the over on fire… seriously who does that happen to LOL

        If you are open to suggestions have you heard about Shakeology? I take it for breakfast and it is so quick, easy and yummy! I throw a packet of it into my magic bullet with a half banana and fruit blend for 30 second and Viola an easy yet healthy breakfast!

        If you are interested in hearing more about it I have a tab on my page http://www.lindyjordan.com for nutrition and Shakeology is under there.. there is also a great video called Doctors Don’t Lie.

        Lots of people pair Shakeology with their BeachBody work outs to properly fuel their bodies and to get incredible results.

        I also have some great recipes for 3 ingredient granola bars – so yummy and quick to make.. I believe i have the recipe on my blog!

        Chat with you soon and I hope you are having an awesome day

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      • I have been doing Shakeology for about two years now. It’s my breakfast. It doesn’t take care of the cravings, though. It holds me over for a couple of hours. Then, I have to have a snack of some sort. Typically, it’s a piece or two of fruit. Sometimes a Special K Breakfast Bar or a granola bar. If I decide to use my kitchen (my hubby’s domain, LOL), I will take you up on the granola bar recipes. I am taking Baby Steps in this. The workouts truly are the easiest thing for me to get my head wrapped around. It’s portion control that has truly been the greatest challenge for years now. 😦 HOWEVER, I am working on that with my 21 Day Fix! 🙂

        Thank you for your suggestions and for taking the time to “listen” (i.e. read) to me. 🙂 I really do appreciate it!

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      • Hey 🙂

        I am so happy to hear that you have been using Sjakeology for 2 years now. besides that you aren’t noticing much of a stop to your cravings how have your results been?

        Have you signed up as a BeachBody Coach (rep) to receive the 25% discount on the Shakeology?

        Baby steps are great, and eventually you will conquer your goals, I have no doubts in my mind!

        I look forward to staying connected with you 🙂

        -Lindy

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      • Third time’s a charm! UGH! This is the third time I’ve replied to your comment! I go to click reply and the whole darn thing disappeared. It’s certainly par for the course with the way my day has been going.

        So . . . No. No noticeable results with the Shakeology. Maybe I will now that I’m combining it with the 21-Day Fix?? It would be nice!

        I’ve been a Team BeachBody coach almost as I’ve been receiving Shakeology I just have not been actively pursuing the coaching business. (I just earned my Bachelor’s Degree this past June.) I am slowly working toward that, though.

        Tomorrow is measurements day. I’m curious to see if there will be any change and how much. And, yes, I will be letting you know.

        I look forward to staying connected with you, as well!

        Patti

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