Being 48 and morbidly obese is not fun. I’m tired of the constant back pain from hauling around an extra person for the past 15 years. I’m tired of not being able to sleep through the night because I literally have to wake up to turn over. I’m tired of it being a major production to get up from a seated or prone position. I have a mission. I want to drop 101 pounds within the next 384 days. My daughter will be getting married then. I do not want to wear Plus Size clothing to it . . . Or ever again for that matter.
Most people would not know from looking at me that I have self-esteem issues. I have hidden it well over the years. When I talk with someone and mention that I have low self-esteem, he/she is shocked. I have gotten good at faking over the years. During my lowest, I would not leave the house except to take the kids to school. I was so bad that when my daughter graduated high school in 2005, I was there for the ceremony but immediately left afterward. She has no pictures with me or of me from that day. I was in a really dark space.
In that dark space, I hurt my children. I hurt my husband. I hurt my family. I cannot undo the damage I have inflicted on them from that time. I am thankful they are loving and forgiving. I am thankful they love me for me – no matter my size. Now, I must learn to do the same.
Since I am no longer in school, I now have the time to focus on getting me healthy again. I know it took several years to pack on 93 pounds. I know it will take dedication and determination to remove it. My goal is 100 pounds in one year. I WILL achieve my goal this time. I am determined. I am dedicated. I am committed.
But I have another goal. I want to help others. It’s in my nature and character. I spent 13 years as an Active Duty Marine. I’m a Service Desk Technician – IT Help Desk person. I enjoy helping others. My mother was a Certified Nursing Assistant for my entire life. My husband is a retired Marine. My daughter is an RN, BSN. My oldest son is an Active Duty Marine. My youngest son is still finding himself but I have a feeling he is leaning toward a servicing career of some sort.
I want to reach out to others who may be feeling as I do or may be going through something similar. I want to let them know they are NEVER alone with how they feel or whatever life has thrown at them. I want to go on a weight loss journey with someone who is starting out, starting over (like me), or is thinking about it.
I’m going to try and share all the crazy (and sometimes morbid or REALLY off-the-wall) thoughts that go through my head. I will share them in the hopes it will make someone smile or maybe laugh. I will be sharing the not-so-funny thoughts, too. I will be sharing the ones that make me cry, scream and say MANY bad words.
Having said all of that, I think I’m going to start with the most recent incident. Word of warning, though. I tend to jump around sometimes. I will try to stay on track, but . . .
Anyway, my oldest niece recently got married (Friday, 11 July 2014). Her mother is one of my three sisters. Three of us are the same height and very similar in build: 5’2″ and obese. Our baby sister is 5’7″ and is thin. Our brother is 6′ and built just like the truck driver he is. So, this sister, whom I have not seen since probably around Christmas time or so, says to me, “Bad idea your daughter putting those pictures on Facebook. Bad idea. You look like you have no neck.” There was no “Hi! Nice to see you,” or “Congratulations on your Bachelor’s Degree.” Nothing. Just a damn comment about how I looked like I have no neck.
Screw you. I already know I’m fat. The damn Graduation gown looked like a friggin’ moomoo on me! Do I really need a family member pointing out something to me that is glaringly obvious?! I was proud to have earned my damn Bachelor’s Degree. I spent the past four years achieving a goal I never thought I would. Instead of being happy, she had to make a freakin’ snarky damn comment. Way to show your damn love, Sister. Way to show your damn love.
Thankfully, my husband, children, mom and other siblings were proud of me and my achievements. Both my daughter and my husband said the same thing when I mentioned it to them and that was she was jealous. She’s jealous of my degree. She’s jealous of my life. I guess I just never thought of it that way.
I have been doing the 21 Day Fix workouts since Monday, 28 July 2014. I started following the eating plan on Thursday, 31 July 2014. I’m not as strict on that, though. And therein lies the problem. Eating. Food. Portion control. This is where I REALLY REALLY REALLY struggle. I need the food laid out just like the workouts are. I have too damn many choices. It also doesn’t help that I’m a picky eater. I’m hoping to find a menu made by a person that is just as bloody picky as I am!
The workouts are no joke. I have dropped major sweat with every workout. I have to do the “Yoga Fix” today. Not quite sure if I’m going to like that one. I’m not too great a fan of the yoga. Some of the positions are hard for me to get into. Of course, it probably has to do with the fact that I’m fat and not as limber/flexible as I used to be. I’ve had to modify some of the modifier’s modifications because I just cannot do the moves yet. BUT . . . my back does not appear to be hurting nearly as much. That means there’s no giving up or quitting!! 🙂