I have learned so many things during my 48 years on this Earth. The biggest, most important lesson? Life is NEVER easy. This is followed by these:
- Life does not come with an instruction manual.
- There is never any one answer to satisfy every situation.
- One can NEVER please all people.
- Humans are cruel.
- Humans are kind.
- One size will NEVER EVER fit all.
Life is never easy. For some, it is easier than others but their lives are not necessarily easy. The struggles I have faced in my life may seem like a walk in the park to others. I am, by no means, looking for sympathy or cudos. What I want to share is that adversity can be adapted, overcome, and/or conquered.
Growing up, I carried a MAJOR chip on my shoulder. By the time I was 12, life had thrown many curve balls at me. I was six when one of my mother’s best friend’s husband molested me. I was eight when my father started running around/cheating on my mother, leaving me to be responsible for my four siblings (6, 5, 4 and 4). I was 12 when my father said, “See you this weekend” for the 4th of July weekend in 1978.
That is when life REALLY changed. I went from “Daddy’s Little Girl” to an angry, mean, and cruel child. I was hell bent on self-destruction. I drank. I smoked. I had unprotected sex. Sneaking out of the house and running the streets at night while my mom slept was how I spent a lot of time during the summer.
There is a consequence to living life like that. I ended up in a situation where I was raped at 13. I never spoke of that until I was 18. The only reason it came out then was because I was drunk. We were poorer than poor. It was a GINORMOUS struggle for my mom to be a single parent of five demonic children from hell.
At 14, I got to see my mom cut up by a drunk asshole with a chainsaw. That was an interesting time. The ONLY thing that saved my mom’s life that day was the fact that she was morbidly obese. I thank God she was. If she hadn’t been, she would not be here today. Do I wish she would lose weight again? Sure. However, I accept and love her for who and how she is.
She handles depression with food. I do, too. Weight has been a struggle for me my entire life. During my teen years, I was always a size 10. I maintained a size 10 until I hit my 30s. When I got out of the Marine Corps in 1997, I was in a size 10/12 – leaning more toward the 12. When I got re-married in 1998, I was a size 14/16. By the time the 21st century rolled in, I was into an 18. The highest I ever got was a 22W.
For almost 13 years, I was locked in a vicious cycle mentally. I went through periods where I was super, super happy and then there were the dark and twisty times. It’s in the dark and twisty times I have my hate/hate relationship with food. It’s during those times when I comfort myself with food.
I’m not a drinker. I have an “All or Nothing” type of personality. I have to do something all the way or not at all. BUT . . . I also have a problem where if something is all “shiny and sparkly,” I get distracted. I’m working on that. For me, it is always a work in progress!
This is only the beginning of my tale. I will cover more another time. I will share how life was not easy while married to an abusive man – mentally, physically, and emotionally. I will share how long it took to get that man out of the forefront of my head-space. I will share what it was like to be a woman in a man’s world (the Marine Corps). I will share how I was bat-shit crazy for many years because of all the crap I faced but never really realized just what I was doing to those I love the most.
I hope in telling my story I can help just one person. I hope to help someone realize when life throws some major curve balls that there is hope. I want to help someone reach down and find his or her inner strength – to know that every situation can be adapted to, conquered AND overcome. 🙂