Day 9 of My New Beginning

Today is a Rest Day on the workout calendar.  I understand why, too!  I have re-discovered DOMS – Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness.  Between the workout, shoveling my driveway and then, just for good measure, shoveling my neighbor’s driveway, I am most definitely feeling it today!  I’m not complaining, though.  Just stating a fact.

Thinking about my mom and her condition and issues has me thinking about mine.  I, too, am morbidly obese.  Most days, I do not think about it.  Then, there are days like yesterday where it is at the front of my mind.  No matter what I do, it’s right in front of my face and I cannot escape it.

Embarrassment.  That is what I was feeling the most.  I have gotten pretty good at covering it up with self-deprecating humor and displaying a ‘so-what’ attitude.  The truth is so much more difficult to face.  I am completely and utterly embarrassed at how horribly I have let myself go.

Yesterday I could not escape being on camera.  My department was filmed for the Department Highlight feature of Sharepoint Home Page.  I wore black.  Not that it does any good.  My double-chin has no place to go.  I HATE cameras.  They do not lie.

I know I will never be model-thin.  I do not want to be.  I just do not want to be an embarrassment to my children or my husband.  I want them to be proud of me and proud to be seen with me.  I know they love me and accept me as I am.  Yet knowing it and accepting it are two different things.

Because of my self-hatred, I deeply hurt my daughter . . . Again.  The first time was at her High School Graduation.  I was wallowing in self-loathing.  When it came time for family photos, she has none with me.  Not a single one.  She got married in August 2015.  She is lucky if she has half a dozen with me in it.  Sadly, my selfishness has yet again hurt her.

When I see pictures of me, I cringe.  I want to crawl under a rock.  I hate myself.  I can put on makeup and pretend I have lots of confidence.  I do that every day.  No one sees the real Inner Me.  Not my husband.  Not my children.  Not my friends.  No one.

New Beginning.  2016 is MY year.  I am going to work on the external AND the internal.    I am working on the external with consistent exercise and healthful eating.  I am working on the internal with chipping away at the negative self-talk and negative thought process.  By bettering my external and internal, I will be better able to help others.

Deep down that is my ultimate goal – to be able to help others with their journeys.  For me, it doesn’t matter if that journey is weight loss, clawing and fighting out of depression, or escaping an abusive relationship.  It is so important to me for people in those situations to know they are NEVER EVER ALONE

 

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