Days 10 through 16 of My New Beginning

Today is Day 16 of My New Beginning.  I will not lie.  These past five days (Day Six has only just begun) have been terribly hard depression-wise.  It started when I took my measurements on Day 9.

Since the beginning of October 2015, I had gained 6.8 pounds and 15 inches overall.  I knew it was bad.  The only one to blame is myself.  No one was holding a gun to my head or a knife to my throat demanding I shove the food in my face.  No.  I did that all on my own.

That’s the problem with being a Foodie.  I LOVE food!  I do not need a reason to eat it.  It is comfort.  It is nourishment.  It is joy.  It is sorrow.  It is . . . Food.  I will eat and eat and eat.  Then, I wait until the feeling of over-fullness is gone and then go eat some more.

I have been taking Belviq since July 2015.  I do not feel it truly suppresses my appetite.  If it does, it very well could be I am ignoring those signals of satiety.  I am not quite sure.  I am on my last refill.  I will not be calling my doctor for more.  I will talk to her at my next annual visit.

Compounding this is the fact it has been 25 years since the passing of a really special person.  For whatever reason, this year is very hard for me.  I am struggling to get out of the dark and twisty place I am finding myself.  Is it because there was a full moon?  Is it because my oldest son turned 25 which means in about 13 weeks I will be turning 50?  I truly do not know.  The only thing I do know is I am still in the dark and twisty place.

My oldest son was born on the 21st.  Captain Rivera passed on the 22nd.  I was still in the hospital when I learned of the Harrier crash.  I remember both days as if they were only yesterday.  The joy of the one day is forever intertwined with the loss of the next.

It also does not help that we lost 12 Marines when their helicopters crashed on the 14th.  As a Marine, the loss of one Marine – whether we know the Marine personally or not – is hard.  To lose 12 at once is crushing.  I cannot even begin to imagine the pain the families are going through.  My heart breaks for them.  My heart breaks because officials had to make the undeniably horrendous call to officially declare each and every one of them deceased.  These Marines were my brothers.  These Marines were sons, fathers, brothers and friends to so many.

Their losses also came during a training exercise.  The official report on Captain Rivera was it was a training exercise.  However, when his Harrier crashed, it was during Operation Desert Shield.  So, who can truly ever be sure whether it was or not?

I have had something positive happen, though.  I took my measurements on Monday because I was curious.  I wanted to see if working out and actually watching my food intake (well, mostly watching it) has had any sort of impact.  I am happy to say it has!  I am down 2 inches overall and have lost 2.4 pounds.  It may not be much, but for me, it is that little pinpoint of light in the dark and twisty place I am in.

Rather than avoid my planned workout, I am actually going to step away from the computer and do it.  (I am secretly looking for any excuse to NOT workout today.  LOL)  Once the ground is no longer covered in snow and ice, we (the dogs and I) will be able to go for the daily walks we are desperately missing!

UPDATE

Well, I managed to push through Complete Aerobics & Weight Training Plus Abs.  There were a few stop and go moments.  I completed it, though.  Exercise certainly helps to keep me on an even keel.  I find I do not lose my temper nearly as often.  But . . .

It could also have something to do with the fact I no longer have children living at home and have quiet, calm animals to keep me company!  Being with them definitely puts me in my happy place.

 I feel Day 16 will be able to marked as a succes!

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One thought on “Days 10 through 16 of My New Beginning

  1. I’m so sorry to hear you are in this dark place. I have been there before. It is amazing though, that even in that dark place you are taking steps to better yourself. You should be proud of that and don’t let the darkness take it from you.

    Like

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