Personally, I have found there is absolutely no getting around or away from envy. There are days when the feeling is so incredibly strong, I do not know whether I am coming or going. Those are my rough days.
I have a friend who has always had a weight issue. She has never been model-thin. At one point in time, she was well-over 300 pounds. Then she got a factory job. She wasn’t sitting around her house all day. At night, she would be partying. (At that point in time, I was watching her infant/toddler daughter, while her mother watched her son.) She dropped a crap-ton of weight in a few short months. Much of it had to do with the fact of how large she was and going from a sedentary lifestyle to an active one. I knew this. However, knowing it and actually acknowledging it in the brain-housing group are two very different things.
I was happy for her. I truly was. Yet, there was a deep, dark, ugly part of me not cheering her on or rooting for her. In my mind, I kept asking why it couldn’t be me who dropped over 50 pounds? Why couldn’t it be me having to go clothes shopping because my clothes no longer fit? Why do good things like this not happen to me?!
I have a dirty little secret; an ugly truth, if you will: I secretly wished her to gain all of it back. How twisted is that?! She is my friend, for goodness sake! But you know what? Envy does not care. Not. One. Little. Bit.
Sadly, when she lost her job, she gained it all back and then some. She was unemployed for almost four years. She ate unhealthfully. She drank alcohol and soda to excess. Of those almost four years, I believe there was a period of at least two and a half I did not actually see her. She was in her own little world. I was in mine. We would talk on the phone but our lives were revolving in different directions. When I did see her again, she had lost over 60 pounds!
She got a part time job, in housekeeping for a major hotel chain. However, she still had her partying ways. I asked her what her secret was. She said it was all the activity and barely eating. I’m fairly certain there was more she was not revealing. Regardless, the way she went about dropping the excess weight was very unhealthy. When she injured her back and was laid up for four months, she ended up gaining about 30 of those pounds back.
Even with all I know, I am STILL envious of her. She is able to drop weight like crazy. I, on the other hand, cannot. I do not drink soda. I have not had a soda since 31 January 2012. Do you think I lost one pound . . .one lousy pound? HELL NO! I tried to watch what went across my lips and down into my stomach. I was walking an average of 2 1/2 to 3 miles daily. I do not drink alcohol. These are things I pointed out to myself when comparing myself to her.
I have noticed envy rears its ugly, little head when I begin comparing myself to others. It is so incredibly hard to stop comparing. I know it is unhealthy for me mentally. Honestly, I do. It does not mean a thing, though. It has gone on for almost two decades. It will not stop overnight, even though I wish otherwise.
As 2016 is the Year of My New Beginning, I have been making very strong efforts to step away from the negativity of comparing myself to others. The moment I realize I am doing it, I ask myself if it is doing me any good . . . Is comparing myself to another helping me go further in my journey? When I realize the answer is, “NO!” the comparing stops.
Undoing so many years of self-loathing, comparing myself to others, feeling unworthy and undesirable will take some time to overcome . . . But, overcome it I shall! I AM worth it! I CAN do it successfully! 🙂