While going through some documents on my computer today, I came across a blog I had written 7 January 2009. After re-reading it, I was almost shocked at how much has NOT changed since then. Most of this is a re-hash from Day 19 – Part 1. However, it does have some more ugly honesty about me. This blog demonstrates my failure-to-follow-through M.O. I am going to post it here. It is me revealing my inner-most self – the 2009 version:
Watching “Diet Tribe” on Lifetime and “National Body Challenge” on Discovery Health on Monday really got me thinking about being a morbidly obese person. Listening to each of their stories, made me realize and face up to some harsh realities about myself. Here are some questions and their ugly, brutal, honest answers:
How does being morbidly obese make me feel?? Ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty. But mostly ashamed.
Why?? I am ashamed because of some of the things I have done as a direct result of being morbidly obese.
What excuses or lies have I told myself?? Where do I begin??!!
- I come from a family of fat people, so I am doomed to be fat. The truth is, I come from a family of LAZY people (except for my baby sister, she goes the other extreme – anorexia). We’d rather sit and watch TV and eat. Then, complain about the aches and pains that come with carrying the extra 100 or more pounds!!
- I don’t go out to the movies because I can pause and rewind, get up and go to the bathroom when I want. The honest reason is because I don’t like having to squeeze into seats that are A LOT smaller than my lower half!!
- I don’t really like roller coaster rides. The truth is that I don’t want to squeeze into the seats. Once I get strapped in, I start to panic. I am terrified that the safety restraints are not strong enough to hold me. I may know that they are, but I don’t want to take that chance.
- I’m a picky eater and do not like most of the foods that show up in the various diet plans. Actually, this isn’t a lie or an excuse. I truly am a finicky eater. The truth (excuse) is that it is mostly due to laziness. I HATE to cook or bake. I don’t have the funds to get the pre-packaged meals from Jenny Craig, Nutri-System or eDiets. Plus, I really hate to hear “I don’t like that” or “I don’t want it” or anything else along those lines.
- I don’t like family get-togethers. Ok, this is one is true, too. That mostly applies to immediate family gatherings (parents, siblings). However, when it comes to the extended family gatherings, I do not go because I am ashamed and embarrassed about how I look.
What are some of the things I’ve done as a direct result of my morbid obesity??
- I did not go to my 20 Year High School Reunion. I was around 100 pounds heavier than I was at the 10 Year Reunion. I did not want anyone to see just how large I had gotten.
- I do not get dressed or undressed in front of my husband. I have ALWAYS had a negative body image. So, even when I was at my smallest, I would not get dressed/undressed in front of anyone.
- I only leave my house when absolutely necessary. Again, it boils down to the extremely negative self-image. It’s part of why I have my husband do the shopping. (The other part is because I’m a compulsive shopper!! )
- The thing that pains me the most and makes me the most ashamed and the ugliest truth has to do with my daughter’s high school graduation. I went to it, but did not stick around for pictures. I did not want to have my picture taken. And the saddest fact is I will NEVER be able to get that moment back. I was awful on that day. Instead of thinking about my daughter and the major milestone she had accomplished, I selfishly left and went home. So, she has pictures of everyone else and none of her mother. To top it all off, I barely went to the graduation party!!
So, when my daughter returns from Florida on Thursday, I will come clean with her. I am going to apologize to her for being so selfish and self-centered. But mostly, I am going to apologize for hurting her and failing to be there for her on her day. She may tell me it’s no big deal and that it’s the past. As a fact, that probably is exactly what she will say. It is not going to be an easy thing for me to admit and confess to her. I really despise myself for doing that. Nothing can undo what has been done.
This is a new year. There WILL be some big changes this year. I am determined!!!!
Not much has changed since 2009. The children are all grown. My daughter forgave me. I was leaving the house for work but now telecommute six hours of my eight hour shift. The husband is a truck driver. So other than the dogs and cats, I socialize with no one.
What is different this time is I am blogging almost every day. It is a means for me to keep myself accountable. It is a means for me to dig deep and pull all the ugliness that has been buried deep in me – a purging, if you will. Getting it out of me, laying it down and out in the open can only help me to heal my inner-self. I feel if I can heal my inner-self, my outer-self will follow.
If you have managed to read all the way to this point, thank you! I know I can be quite wordy!