Day 20 of My New Beginning

Today started off fairly well.  Instead of doing my Total Sculpt Plus Abs workout, I took the dogs for a 2.28 mile walk.  They were in Heaven!  It was 40 degrees outside and perfect walking weather.  Our pace was not as fast as normal, but it is to be expected since we haven’t walked in a while.  The weather is supposed to be warm again tomorrow.  As long as I can get myself up early, I should be able to get their walk in before the rain sets in.

Our agenda for today was to attend a party for our 1-year-old great niece.  After the walk, I spent a few minutes talking to my husband.  Then, I dropped down to the floor and played with the dogs for a bit.  Procrastination at its finest!  Neither the hubby or I really wanted to go, however, since I gave my word I knew I needed to show up.

As I was getting ready, the husband came into the bedroom to change his shirt.  Then, he came into the bathroom to talk while I got ready.  No big deal, right?  Wrong!  For me, it is stressful.  I do not want him to see me without my clothes on.  We have been married for 18 years (well, in April we will celebrate 18 years).  There is not an inch of me he has not seen.  It does not matter to me, though.  I hate my body.  I do not find it the least bit attractive.  In all honesty, I do not think I ever have.

I do not wear shorts.  I damn sure do not wear swim suits.  The only reason my clothes come off is for me to take a shower.  I am ashamed of the lumps, bumps and craters on my legs – cottage cheese thighs and ass.  I have a six-pack . . . on my damn back.  We will not even discuss the four boobs – two regular ones and their two side companions!  The arms . . . Well, if I wave and stop, they keep going!  The belly has a flap.  If it were cut off, I bet that sucker would weigh a good five or six pounds!  I REALLY despise my physical person.

I am envious of bigger women who are able to wear shorts because their legs are so smooth and free of cottage cheese.  Cellulite may be natural.  On me, it is naturally ugly.

My husband loves me and accepts me as I am.  He says he does not care how much weight I put on.  I do not see how he can find me desirable.  I honestly do not.  He tries to reassure me.  My brain refuses to believe he speaks the truth.  This is something I know I have to work on.  It is going to be a long and difficult process.  POSITIVE SELF-TALK:  I am worth it!

We arrived at the party.  Thankfully, it wasn’t a full-on spread my brother’s wife is notorious for.  About the only thing left was some taco salad.  It is not something I am a fan of.  I am proud of myself because I did not have any of the cake or ice cream.   I will admit to catching a whiff of the frosting.  It smelled deeeeeeee-lish!

So after we left, we headed to a Chinese Restaurant about three miles from my mom’s house (we were taking her home).  I ordered the Vegetarian Delight (steamed broccoli, snow peas, cabbage in a brown sauce and served with one cup of white rice).  I ended up bringing some home.  In order to make myself feel full, I really pushed the water.

A couple of hours after arriving home, I warmed up some brown and wild rice along with the leftovers I brought home.  I also made myself a ginormous travel mug of hot cocoa.  Approximately 45 minutes or so after I ate and drank the hot cocoa, I felt my tummy gurgling.  Next thing I know, I’m salivating.  It was an effort to not empty the contents of my stomach.  I was unsuccessful.  I have not vomited in years.

I do not know how bulimics do it.  My throat hurts.  My stomach hurts.  My head hurts.  Because my throat hurts, it is painful to swallow.

My Fitness Pal will not be happy with me again today.  I did not eat all of my calories.  The thought of eating truly does not sit well with me at this moment!

I am going to chalk Day 20 up as being a success.  I may feel like crap at this moment, but I know the moment will not last.  I was able to take the dogs for a walk and even managed to have a moment of Positive Self-Talk.

Baby steps . . . I am doing well taking Baby Steps.  🙂It Took More Than

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