The Moment I Realized I Am Morbidly Obese

I am morbidly obese.  At 5’2″, any excess weight is obvious.  The shame, embarrassment and guilt I feel for being over 200 pounds is horrendous at times.  When those feelings crop up (which they do quite often), I sometimes have trouble breathing.  Not because of something physical.  It is all mental.  Sitting here, typing this, admitting I am over 200 pounds is causing a mild panic attack.  Weight is not something I talk about.  However, I am coming to realize it is a necessary evil if I am to truly move forward with making permanent, truly lasting changes.

When I was Honorably Discharged from the Marine Corps, I wore a 10/12 and weighed 136.  By the following year, I was up to a 12/14.  I have to say, the fat was in stealth mode for almost six years.  I didn’t really notice when I went from a 10/12 to a 12/14.  Next was the 14/16 and 16/18.  The moment I honestly and truly acknowledged my weight was out of control and I am morbidly obese was when I was forced to buy 22W clothes.  Talk about a slap upside the head . . . a real eye opener.

I was crushed.  I swore I would never be a ‘fat person’ like my mom.  Yet there I was . . . In a size 22W pushing heavily toward a 24W.  At my heaviest, I was almost 240 pounds.  Do you have any idea what that looks like on a short person?  Let me tell you, it is NOT a pretty site!

I was angry and bitter.  I was full of self-loathing and most definitely hatred.  Who was this person looking back at me with the big fat face?  I did not recognize the person I had become.  This was the lowest of my low points.

Still, I did nothing to change.  I wanted a quick fix.  That Magic Little Pill.  I waited and waited and waited.  Sitting around waiting accomplished absolutely nothing.  No one was going to hand me a pill and say, “Take this.  By tomorrow morning, you will be a ‘normal’ size person.”

Anger.  Bitterness.  Resentment.  Envy.  Jealousy.  Sorrow.  Sadness.  Embarrassment.  Shame.  The list is very long.  It ends with self-pity.  I did not realize I was wallowing in self-pity.  At that point in my life, I was not ready to face reality.  I was not ready to accept the fact I. Am. A. Morbidly. Obese. Person.

By wallowing in self-pity, I hurt my loved ones.  I thought of no one except myself.  I stopped going out in public.  The only times I really left my house were when I had to go grocery shopping (which was rare as the hubby does this) or to work.  I did not bother going to my children’s school functions very often and family get-togethers.  I would use the excuse I had a migraine (whether I did or not, it did not matter).  If I had no excuse, I would just go into full-on bitch mode.  The hubby and kids went.  I stayed home.  On the rare occasion I did show up, jaws would drop.  It was a given I would not show up.

Most of my 30s and early 40s are a blur.  I do not remember much.  That is my defense mechanism – block out what causes me pain.  It is what happened when my father abandoned the family and it is what happened during my marriage to Mr Potato Head.

Here I am approximately 10 years later, still a morbidly obese person. I am not wearing a 22W anymore.  Between 2009 – 2010, I did manage to get into an 18W.  Somehow, I have maintained that size.  I will admit, there have been times when I broke out my 20Ws or the 18Ws have been really snug (AKA a fat girl’s version of ‘skinny’ pants).  Overall though, it has been steady at 18W.

Having carried this excess baggage around for so long, has had some not-so-nice repercussions.  I now have major issues with my lower back.  Once I am up and walking around to loosen up stiffened joints, I am good to go.  I have plantar fasciitis.  My feet really bother me until I am up and walking around – same as my back.  I have the ‘fat person waddle’ as my youngest calls it.

I have said 2016 is the Year of My New Beginning.  In order to make this a reality and not just pretty words on paper, I must make changes.  The changes must come from within FIRST.  I have to change my thought process and heal my emotional wounds before I will be able to achieve my goals.

This journey I have embarked upon truly is not an easy one.  I feel talking about my pain, suffering, sorrow, happiness, joy and peace will help me in the process.

I'm the Reason Why

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10 thoughts on “The Moment I Realized I Am Morbidly Obese

  1. You can do it patti! 🙂 Be strong and keep believing in yourself. I really enjoyed reading your blog post and commend you on publishing such a personal part of yourself. We are cheering you on every step of the way! Have an awesome day! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I completely know what you mean! I told my husband how much I weighed for the first time about the time I started this blog. It was hard but it helped a lot. Be proud that you have lost and maintained some, making this so much easier. Good job!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was the same, I never noticed the weight gain, but once I did the self-loathing started. For me, it ended soon after and I just entered into a period of denial I guess. My brain switched off and my weight was no longer any part of my day-to-day thoughts. I was still overweight and deep-down, unhappy, but my brain blocked it out. It’s amazing what our brains can do. All of these self-preservation tactics that we aren’t even aware of!

    I’m really enjoying your blog, (and I appreciate your messages on mine), it’s nice to read about someone who’s going through the same process as me. Good luck! You can do it 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You ARE doing it Patti!
    Believe 🙂
    If it can help you, I come from a place where we count in kilograms so 200 pounds is 90 kilos, so from where I’m from you are only over 90 🙂 So don’t worry, we’re all with you and we are supporting you 🙂
    Take care,

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! In either measurement, I know it’s a lot. Kinda sorta freaks me out. LOL I am taking everything one day at a time; one step at a time; one pound at a time. 🙂

      Like

  5. You got this mama bear ! ❤️ I am 4’11 and was at 200 pounds after my third /last baby . Thanks for your service , by the way . Me and Jason met and married while he was a Marine . (Camp Lejune ) ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • AWW! That is so sweet! Both of my sons are Active Duty Marines. Somehow, they wound up in Havelock together. 🙂 Although, the oldest is PCSing this year sometime.

      It was my honor and privilege to serve our Beloved Country! Tell your hubby I said, “Thank you and Semper Fi, Devil Dog!”

      I have a niece who is like 4’9 1/2″ and one who is 4’11”. Being Midwestern girls, we tend to carry it around on our lower halves. :-S

      It’s all about them Baby Steps! One Pound at a time! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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