Even when I do not want to, I find my comparing myself with others. When I do, it sets off a vicious cycle I have a hard time getting out of. When I compare myself to others, I ALWAYS feel inferior and underestimate my worth.
At work, we have to do self-appraisals. I HATE them! I never know what to put. I do not see myself as others see me. When it comes to my job, I go in and do what needs to be done whether it is in the job description or not. I do not see anything I do as ‘going above and beyond.’ To me, it is all a part of the job. When working as part of a team on projects, I contribute but I do not say, “Look at me! This is what I did on the project.” or something long those lines. Yet, I compare myself to my co-workers. I see how knowledgeable they are and it makes me feel inferior. They seem to catch on to things faster than I do. There are some things it seems to take me forever to catch on to.
Yet if I set aside the technical stuff, I do see where I have exceptional people skills. I have so many end users who tell me they are always excited when they get me. I have been told by so many I make them feel comfortable and not like an idiot when they do stupid things. (I assure them I make more than my fair share of bone-head mistakes! 🙂 ) They tell me they really enjoy my upbeat personality. They like how it seems as though I am smiling no matter what. (Little do they know I am very good at faking it! 🙂 ) It makes me feel good knowing when someone calls in, even if they are having a horrendous day, I am able to put a smile on her/his face.
When it comes to weight loss, it is even worse. I see someone who is on a weight loss journey and without even realizing it, immediately start comparing myself to the other person. She/he is much bigger than I am. If she/he can drop XX clothing sizes or XX pounds in such and such amount of time, I should be able to as well.
But if I did not lose XX amount or drop XX size clothing, I become depressed. I get into the mindset of “I will never lose the weight.” “I will always be fat.” “I come from a fat family, therefore, I am doomed to be this way.” “I am not good enough.” And the best one? Mr Potato Head is right, I am nothing but a fat, lazy bitch who does nothing but sit on my fat, lazy ass all day long. I will never be good at anything or achieve anything.
Once the comparing starts, so does the mental competition. I am a very competitive person. I have to win. I will do whatever it takes to win. If it meant going without eating or taking a combination of OTC drugs to make it happen, then that is what I did.
Well, the old me did that. Now, I am working hard toward a healthy approach. I am eating regularly. I am eating healthfully. I am REALLY working on portion control. I am exercising at least five times a week. I am working on my MENTAL WELL-BEING.
I am on Day 51 of the Year of My New Beginning. I do not remember ever getting this far before. I have started and stopped this journey many, many, many times before. I get a few days into it and then I said, “fuck it.” I have not done that this time. My approach is different.
What is different this time? I am doing ME. I am NOT worrying about how much weight someone else is losing. I am working on the things which were causing me to stand in my own damn way. I am learning to accept my body as it is . . . lumps, bumps, big, fat belly overhang and all.
So for today, I shall do the following . . .