As I sit here, I cannot help but to reflect on this past week. I cannot quite put my finger on what exactly is going on, but I know something is. Maybe it is the transition between Winter and Spring. Maybe it is because I made it past the 45 Day mark and the negativity is pushing to get me to say ‘fuck it’. I just do not know.
Yesterday, I was able to knock out Ultimate Calorie Blaster fairly well. I only had to pause a couple of times. I am determined to get through that damn DVD without stopping! I am determined to be able to do The FIRM’s Signature Leg Press and Tall Box Climb on the fully assembled TransFIRMer Box. I’m still only able to complete those two moves on the 8″ portion.
Food for the past couple of days has been hit or miss. I am contemplating upping the caloric allotment. I could be not taking in enough.
Mentally, I am in a dim place. I cannot call it dark. I am working on NOT going there. I am struggling. My self-esteem is barely registering. I am feeling dejected. I am not seeing the positive changes which I know are happening. I am feeling unworthy and not enough.
Every once in a while, it would be so nice to have my husband acknowledge something positive about me. Neither he nor I are big on PDAs. This mostly hearkens back to being on Active Duty. Marines do not show public displays of affection. However, every once in a while, it would be nice to have my husband tell me he thinks I look beautiful or, hell, even pretty. I do not want him to send it to me in a text when I know he cannot see me. I do not want to have to tell him I would like to hear and see what he thinks and feels about me.
I would like to know if he has noticed any difference in my physically since I have started this journey. Do my hips, waist and breasts seem a tad smaller? Is anything at all noticeable? Some kind of acknowledgement would go a long way for me. I do not need it often. I do not want it often. I only want it to be genuine and heartfelt.
But then, I have only lost nine pounds and a few inches over the past 55 days. Maybe it will be more noticeable once I am under 200. When I weighed myself on 19 January 2016, I was 219.6. When I weighed myself this past Wednesday (2 March 2016), I was 210. Almost 10 pounds gone. It has taken almost six weeks to lose it. 😦
My brain-housing group is still not acknowledging the fact that there is NO quick fix!! I did not gain over 100 pounds in six weeks. It took almost a year to pack it on. I have been maintaining it for YEARS! There is no way I can lose that much weight overnight. Even if I were a candidate for bariatric surgery (which, unfortunately, I am not), it would still take months!
I have a girlfriend who posted on Facebook she is down 25 pounds. I am a little jealous of her loss. However, the logical part of my brain-housing group realizes she is NOT losing it in a healthy way. I talked about her in my Envy and Weight Loss post. Even though I know she is not going about her weight loss in a healthy way, I am still jealous and envious! Why in the hell can’t that be me?!
Stop it, Patti! Just. Friggin’. Stop. It!! Having a Pity Party is damn sure not going to get you results. Having a Pity Party is NOT going to help you get into the ‘light’. For Pete’s Sake, having a Pity Party is NOT GOING TO HELP YOU AT ALL!!!! Jump off the Pity Party Train and get in gear!
You KNOW only hard work and dedication will net the results you want! The ONLY way you have ever achieved any bloody thing is through BUSTING YOUR ASS!! You ARE losing weight and inches! Go back and look at your damn Measurements Journal for the past few weeks. What the hell do you see?! STEADY PROGRESS!! SO GET THE HELL OUT OF THE NEGATIVE HEAD SPACE!!!!
OK, Self . . . I am getting the message. I have to put in the WORK. I AM putting in the work. I AM getting results slowly . . . the BEST way.
I CAN do this! I WILL be successful on this Journey! What I am feeling right now, is temporary. I am getting stronger every day . . .
Little by little. Baby Steps . . . Baby Steps.