This is the tale of my youngest son’s father, Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To. There was a point in time where I thought this man was my Mr Perfect For Me. Unfortunately, we did not work out. I remarried. He got married. And not to each other.
Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To met when I was on Independent Duty. (I was Active Duty taking care of the Reservists.) We actually met because of the computer. Back then, AOL was big. We ‘met’ in a chat room. This led to meeting in real life.
Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To is eight years younger than me. He was a college student of 20. I was an Active Duty United States Marine and single parent. Neither of us intended to get involved with the other. I was still working through and dealing with Mr Potato Head and his drama. Somehow, he broke through the walls I had built up around my heart. He showed me and helped me to see I was not all the things Mr Potato Head called me or told me I was.
Anyway, we got together. Then I got orders. We decided it would be best if we went our separate ways. He still had a couple more years of college. My orders sent me to the West Coast. He was remaining on the East Coast. A long distance relationship was not something either of us really wanted.
At that time, I was on the Pill. He used condoms. Somehow, I still wound up pregnant! I was in shock. He was in shock. Then we had to deal with his family. He is half Italian and half Sicilian. His mother is the Sicilian. According to her, I pretty much defiled her baby boy. She even accused me of intentionally getting pregnant to keep her son . . . force him to stay with me. She found out quick, fast and in a hurry I am not someone who can be brow beaten or treated like shit. Her son was an adult. He was capable of making his own decisions. I ended up telling her off rather diplomatically.
Anyway, in 1995 Baby Number 3 was born. In the beginning, he seemed excited to have a son. He came to visit when Baby Number 3 was one. (He couldn’t come out sooner as he did not have the money for travel then.) It was some time after that visit when things changed. I do not know exactly what happened. I only know something did.
Yet, I held out hope. For years. I held out hope he and I would be together. He had my heart lock, stock and barrel. He always will have a piece of it. We never did get back together.
After I got with my husband, Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To was perfectly content to let another man raise his child. However, Baby Number 3 wanted to get to know his biological father. So, I tentatively reached out to him. I wanted to be sure he was receptive to getting to know his son.
Suffice it to say, it did not turn out well. Not one little bit. My youngest is a handful. He tries the patience in the worst way! Well, not so much anymore. However, back in the day, that kid would drive Satan to drink!
The two of them tried connecting. A few times. The problem is, Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To was expecting one thing but got a whole different creature altogether!
When Baby Number 3 turned 18 in 2013, he received the following email from Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To:
I wanted to simply wish you a happy 18th birthday and wish you well as you now go forward in your life as an adult. I do hope you find peace in your life, and value in other people as well as a desire to grow as a person.
Whatever you may think of J and I we have been there since the beginning. Below is a financial summary with the payments we have made since you were born. Although we were not there in person, and when we tried, things did not go well, we have always been supporting you and your mother for the last 18 year. We wanted you to know that we have always been there in some capacity, at least financially. The check that was send for August 1st will be the last one since today marks your 18th Birthday and you have graduated high school.
Below is the total in support payments made from 1995 through 2013.
First Payment: September 1st, 1995
Final Payment: August 1st, 2013
Total Months Paid: 215
Payment Amount: $200
Total Accumulated Payments: $43,000
Good luck to you in whatever you do and I wish you success in in life as you move forward.
Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To copied me on the email. He sent it on Baby Number 3’s 18th Birthday. On. His. Fucking. Birthday. Seriously. He reduced our son to nothing more than a monthly damn bill. It was a Saturday. I was pulling out of the parking lot at work (back when I had to work on Saturdays). I was in shock. I re-read it just to be sure I was reading correctly. I became livid!
I called my sister and read her the email. Even she was in shock! Who in the hell does that?! I can guarantee that every other word out of my mouth was the ‘F’ Bomb. I become the Truck Driver’s Daughter-Marine-Marine Wife-Trucker Driver Wife-Marine MoM when I become angry. I NEVER expected anything like that from him. Even Mr Potato Head would not sink to that level.
Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To sends this to me:
Today marks Baby Number 3’s 18th Birthday. You’ve done a great job raising him to this point where he is now considered an adult and on his way in life. I want to truly thank you for what you have done with or without our help to get him to where he is now to be able to decide on his own, as an adult in most everyone’s eyes.
I probably should not have worried because Baby Number 3 is one smart cookie and is more than capable of holding his own.
This is Baby Number 3’s reply:
Thanks for the birthday wishes.
Although I’m curious if you accounted for the time I was there in the summary. Being 1 or 2 times, I believe. Just to point out calculations here bu do correct me if I’m wrong.
September 1, /95 – August 1, ‘013
12 months over 18 years would equal 215 payments, correct. Your math shows fault in your miscalculations on the fact you didn’t pay once or twice when I resided with you. There there’s also the fact you didn’t pay $200 for the first six-ish months, therefore the cost drops to $41,700 if we assume the payment was a rounded $50 and went with six months.
Now, that’s $1,300 less than projected.
I understand you’re attempting to be kind in some form or another, at least to the best of my knowledge you are; yet from this it appears you are trying a low-blow in a sense by essentially saying “you’re nothing more than a monthly payment.” Even if I find that laughable. I guess you’re much more materialistic than I am.
But for the record, it was apparent you weren’t being a parent.
And this was only the beginning of the exchange between the two. I am pig-headed and stubborn. Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To is pig-headed and stubborn. Baby Number 3 is a combination of both of us! As a fact, he puts the both of us to shame!
I think what pisses me off the most is Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To never bothered to get to know our son. Because he did not fit the mold of whatever the hell he had in his head, Baby Number 3 was not good enough. I am angry at myself for putting Mr I-Do-Not-Have-Children-To-Pass-My-Legacy-On-To up on a friggin’ pedestal for so damn many years.
I accidentally re-sent his email to him and said “This was to me . . . Hmph” It was supposed to go to my sister. WHOOPSIE! LOL
This is what I got in response from him:
Yes I was being sincere. It’s bittersweet for me. He is well to the point of making his own decisions, many of which were already made. So, in a sense today marks the end of a road and the start of new ones for everyone’s lives.
He’s learned everything he has from you, and next to nothing from us. We’ve had no chance to shape a life, we’ve got no children of our own. We have nobody who loves and wants to care for us as we grow old in the next stages of our lives.
We decided not to have children as it was too late, so we’ve never been able to raise another person in our morals and values. People seem to forget, we’ve nothing to leave a legacy of in this life now that reflects us in any way.
This set me off on a whole new tangent! However, I shall save that for Part 2.