Day 152 – Running on Empty

It is Friday.  Day 152.  I did not fall asleep until the damn sun rose this morning.  My jaw is still bothering me.  Then, right before I hit La-La Land, the pain subsided.  Last night, I took my Vicodin.  Then I took some Tylenol Arthritis Strength (650mg per caplet).  Then I took Benadryl.  Nothing was working.  How I even managed to fall asleep, I do not know.  My alarm went off at 0800.  I crawled off the couch around 0845ish.  I have been moving slower than a tortoise all day long. UGH!

When I got up, I found I had two text invites.  One from Sister Number 1 and the other from my Marine Sister.  One invited me to break the fast with her and the other asked if we could meet for lunch.  I ended up asking my sister for a rain check.

Since it is Friday, it means the hubby is supposed to be home tonight.  This is normally the day I put the laundry away (which is folded and sitting in a laundry basket in the laundry room all week LOL), clean the bathrooms, vacuum (an every day occurrence) and any other chore I forgot to complete during the week. I also wanted to knock my blogs out before work today.

Well . . . I downed my daily dose of 5-Hour Energy Extra Strength and went to town.  I thought I had the time to get the blogs knocked out, too.  Ummmm.  Yeah.  Not so much.  I opened up my Composition Notebook to Day 10.  There was a problem.  I totally blew by Day 10 and wrote everything out for Day 11.  That will teach me to try and jump ahead . . . while on drugs.  Any extra time I had was shot.  I had to quickly write something up.  Thankfully, it was a relatively short thing.

I have to admit, my feelings of self-worth and self-esteem have been pretty much in the toilet lately.  I am feeling out of control.  I really HATE my body.  I am tired of having a fat roll overhang large enough to hide a damn Tonka truck in it.  I have never liked my legs or behind.  Dimples and craters do not belong on legs, thighs or asses.  Gravity has taken control of the girls.  I can hide a damn box of ink sticks under them if I wanted.

You’re probably thinking, “Well, shit, Patti.  Why don’t you just get off your ass and DO something about it?!  Stop sitting behind the computer and whining.  The ONLY way to resolve your issues is to get up and get moving!”

You want to know something?  I KNOW what I need to do.  The problem is right now . . . at this very moment . . . I don’t want to.  I am sitting here with a “Fuck it.  I have been fat for going on 17 years now.  I might as well face the fact I will remain morbidly fucking obese for the remainder of my natural life!” attitude.

I am sitting here being envious of every fliggerin’ person who is able to eat healthfully and exercise religiously.  The ones who are like, “Oh look at me!  I ate 10 carrots and I am SOOOOO full!”  “I only walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes, three times per week, and maintain a low carb diet.”  “I am completely satisfied with this XXXX meal replacement shake.  It feels like a cheat meal, but it’s not.”

I have yet to find a meal plan or exercise plan that I know I will want to do for the rest of my life.  I cannot foresee a future where I am carb-free.  I am a carboholic.  Pure and simple.

I do not drink soda.  As a fact, I have not had a carbonated beverage since 31 January 2012.  I do not smoke.  I do not drink alcohol.  And yet, I have not lost weight.  Even when I restricted my caloric intake to 1200 calories, I only lost a few pounds.

Maybe I have something wrong with my thyroid?  My doctor did have it tested previously.  However, my annual exam is coming up next month.  I think I will revisit it.

OK.  Enough whining.  I am probably in this immediate slump because I have had so little sleep.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I am allowing myself one more F.O. Day.  I will be hitting it hard exercise-wise and food-wise.  I have one solid mini-goal to achieve.

I WILL do it!  2016 is the Year of My New Beginning . . .