Days 159 and 160 – Where Have My Motivation and Positivity Gone?

I Have Absolutely No Motivation

I would love to say I am still motivated and positive about my journey . . . 2016 the Year of My New Beginning, but at this precise moment, I am not.  I feel frustrated.  I am angry.  Not at anyone except myself.  I am not feeling the joy I felt in those beginning months.

I am struggling to locate my positivity, motivation and joy.  I am struggling with finding the reason for this struggle.  I am trying to figure out why, after doing so well, I am content with the back-sliding.

Is it because I am officially 50 and have accepted I am no longer you and somewhat vibrant?  No.  Just because I am 50 does not mean it is the end of the world.

Maybe it is because of my crazy and insane jealousy toward all those ‘success’ stories?  I am.  I really am.  I see all kinds of them.  These people have worked their asses off and have found – and followed – eating and exercise plans which are working for them.  I am happy and excited for them, but yet . . . I hate them.

OK . . . Maybe I don’t hate them.  I am DEFINITELY envious and jealous as hell.  In my current Pity Party state, I want to know why I fail at staying the course.  I ant to know why I am unable to find an eating and exercise plan I can happily do for the rest of my life.  I want to know why I wasn’t blessed with a body that does not require a lot to maintain it.  I want to know why those success stories make it look so fucking easy (even though I know it was not).  I want to know why a ‘magic little cure-all’ pill has not been created/invented yet.

It appears my motivation and positivity are on hiatus . . . Like my favorite television shows.  It is barely five months into this journey and I have fallen off the wagon.  I am in a rut which is quickly turning into a crater.

Maybe it is the loneliness getting to me?  I have been married for 18 years.  For 16 years, he has been a truck driver.  It has meant being a single parent without actually being a single parent.  It has meant sleeping alone for the majority of each year.  It has meant a lot of loneliness.  It has meant that as my weight went up, my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth have lowered . . . almost to the gone missing level.

It is so fucking hard to love myself as I am at this very moment.  The fat rolls, cottage cheese lumps and bumps, double chin and floppy arms on this body are ugly.  They are not the least bit attractive.  If I do not find them attractive, I definitely do not expect my husband to.

The beauty of this blog is my sort-of anonymity.  I am able to share my real thoughts in ways I seem to be unable to in my real world.  It is easier for me to reveal this in writing to the cyber world than it is to share these thoughts and feelings with those who know me best.

I hate feeling as though I am weak.  Being unable to stay committed to this journey makes me feel weak and inadequate.  I feel as though I am not enough.  By balling off the wagon and deeper into the crater, remaining fat and frumpy will be my lot in life.

Believe it or not, I truly love to lift people up and see them succeed  with their dreams and goals.  It is easy for me to push or pull them along so they can reach what they set out to do.  When I help someone, I feel good.  I love to see or hear their smiles.  If I can do it without them knowing, it is even better.

Should I not be able to do the same for myself . . . Even just a little?

OK . . . ENOUGH.  The Pity Party Train is about to be derailed!

As I lay here on the deck my absolutely wonderful husband made for me, I am beginning to realize in my negativity, lack of motivation and positivity stems mostly from the lack of daily walks with my pups.  It has been a nice chunk of time since we have walked consistently.  The heat and humidity combo does not just take a toll on them, but me as well.  Heat is fine by itself.  Throw in the humidity and it saps all the motivation.

It also does not help that I woke up with a migraine.  I am torturing myself by sitting in the sun, trying to absorb the Vitamin D.  Plus, it is quiet.

Even though my husband has not yet made it home, the TV is on.  The grandson of one of my Marine Corps Sister’s is spending the weekend with us.  She and her husband are attending a no-children allowed wedding in another state.  It has been a very long time since I have had to entertain a seven-year-old!

The husband is screwed out of another weekend.  Instead of getting home last night as he was supposed to, he ran out of hours and had to shut down for the night when he was about three hours from home.  Sometimes it is hard to accept the cost of being a truck driver and a truck driver’s wife.

Now that I have absorbed some natural Vitamin D, I am better – albeit marginally – but better nonetheless.

I apologize for the negativity and the Pity Party Train I made you a reluctant passenger on.

I truly appreciate everyone who has taken the time out of their day to bravely join this journey with me.

Here is my positive thought for today:

Positivity Pledge

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8 thoughts on “Days 159 and 160 – Where Have My Motivation and Positivity Gone?

  1. Hi Patty~ I go through similar feelings about myself sometimes. So does my Mom who is 68 and my man who just turned 60 in Feb. He’s having a real hard time with turning 60 carrying around some of the same feelings you describe. Both my Mom and my husband who both were in great shape most of their lives have now gained weight which they hate and they both struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY to try and go back to young people bodies. I am guilty of constantly comparing myself to people in their 20s and 30s and thinking I can workout like them and look like them. My husband and Mom do this, too. We all try to eat healthy but in between eating healthy we eat stuff, every single day, we shouldn’t: Beer, wine, cheesecake, dark chocolate bars from Aldis, m and ms, cakes and cupcakes I’ve baked, German pretzels…. Today, in all my infinite wisdom, I somehow planned burgers and homemade mac and cheese to bring to the old people home to have lunch with my mother in law, for dinner I planned chicken Chimichanga (homemade) and for dessert I’m making red velvet cheesecake cupcakes. Now, tomorrow I’ll go back to try and be healthy but, realistically, we might overall eat healthy but we are major cheaters. We enjoy our food, what can I say. That’s part of the reason I quit Healthynotnuts because it was a real bitch feeling like I HAD to eat everyday totally healthy, too much pressure. A couple things to take into consideration for all of us is age does make a difference, medications we might be on can make it nearly impossible or difficult to lose weight depending what it is and some can also cause a little depression. My attitude is, try to be healthy as you can but you don’t have to be perfect. I also haven’t worked out since this humidity moved in, I can’t stand it! If you haven’t already check out the blog Seeds For Life, they areally awesome for positive thinking, they really help to put things in perspective. Have a happy Sunday, Patti!

    Candice~Marie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, Ma’am. Age definitely does make a difference. I keep being amazed at how much the body does change as we age. I don’t know why this surprises me. It just does. Another thing which has a huge impact on weight loss is sleep or lack thereof. It is how the body resets itself.

      I am working on my “all or nothing” and “you can do the same shit as 20-/30-year-olds” mindsets. Oh, and my “I have to do everything perfectly” one, too!

      Where you live, the heat and humidity combo is even more oppressive than out here! I can understand why you’ve put your workouts on hiatus!!

      Do you have the link to Seeds for Life?

      Getting older is a blessing and a curse! 🙂

      ❤ ❤

      Like

  2. It’s ok. I feel the same way too. The way I see it..we’re half way or so through the year. I think this *should * be one of the hardest parts to get through. And we will. It will happen. We will get that spark again !

    Liked by 1 person

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