My Life With An Abuser – The Marriage – The End Of The ‘Honeymoon’ Period

As A Victim.jpg

As I said in My Life With An Abuser – The Beginning , My Life With An Abuser – The Courtship,  and My Life With An Abuser – The Marriage – Years 1 and 2 this is my story of meeting a predator; marrying the predator; living with the predator turned abuser; and my escape from the abuser.

Staff Sergeant Potato Head was all about educational trips.  (As a fact, he still is.)  We would take off on weekends to go sightseeing.  Wherever we went, we had to learn something about it.  I really couldn’t fault him for that.  Education is important.  We would drive everywhere.  Sometimes he would have a specific destination in mind and sometimes not so much.

Since slapping me around, threatening to leave me, and hiding my things were no longer options, he had to come up with other ways in which to control me.  His new favorite thing to do was to tell me to get out of the car, while we were in the middle of nowhere, and to find my own way home.  Yes.  You did read that correctly.

I remember the first time he did it.  We were on a freeway at least 100 miles from home.  I had said something which set him off.  He slams on the brakes (trying to brake-check me), unbuckles my seat belt, reaches across me and opens the door.  He said, “Get out.”  I looked at him as though he had suddenly grown two heads.

“What?”

“I said, ‘GET OUT!’  You can find your own damn ride home!”

He then proceeded to push me out of the car.  I had no clue where we were.  I failed to pay attention to my surroundings, to the roads driven on, to the cities and towns driven through . . . I contentedly sat in the passenger seat while he did the driving.

I did as ordered.  I got out of the vehicle.  The moment I shut the door, he took off.  I was in shock.  I could not believe he actually drove away as though I were no one.  Somehow, I did have the presence of mind to get out of the middle of the road and over to the side/Break Down Lane.  I started walking.  It was the only thing I could do.

I walked close to a mile before a vehicle pulled over.  The vehicle turned out to be ours.  I walked up to the passenger door and tried to open it.  It was locked.  He proceeded to drive forward and then stop.  I walk up to the door.  He does it again.  I get to the car, the door is unlocked, I open it . . . And he hits the gas.  When he stopped the next time, I just kept walking.  I was not going to fall for it again. Finally, he stopped and got out of the car.  He said he was sorry.  He only meant it to be a joke.  He was only trying to have some fun on a boring drive.

If that had been the one and only time he did it, it would be a non-issue.  It wasn’t.  After the second incident, I paid very close attention to details.  I needed to be able to find my way home.  I never knew if he would come back right away or let me walk for several miles.

By the end of 1986/beginning of 1987, our relationship seemed to ‘level out.’  He realized he could no longer control me with threats of abandonment or by playing stupid little hide-and-seek games.  I learned what to watch for – the triggers.  This helped to ‘keep the peace.’

At the end of January 1987, he told me I was pregnant.  I didn’t believe him.  However, it was confirmed a couple of weeks later.  The pregnancy progressed without incident.  We had orders to Japan.  As I was pregnant and could not make the flight if I was past six months, I went ahead of him.

We did not fly together.  He had to attend the Staff Non-Commissioned Officer’s Course.  I flew over alone.  I lived in the barracks until about two days before his arrival.  The barracks was located at the end of the runway.  At first, the jets taking off and landing bothered me.  However, it did not take long for me to get used the sounds.  (To this day, my daughter LOVES airplanes!)

I will say, for all the bad I had to put up with, he was an amazing coach.  He had better be!  He had already had two children, so in my mind, he was the resident expert!  Throughout the whole pregnancy, he seemed to be on his best behavior.

Baby Number 1 was born in a Japanese hospital.  I did not speak Japanese and they did not speak English.  For a first time mother, it was a VERY unique experience.  I was 21 at the time.  He was 31.  For the first year and a half of Baby Number 1’s life, things seemed to be well.

5 Signs of An Emotionally

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8 thoughts on “My Life With An Abuser – The Marriage – The End Of The ‘Honeymoon’ Period

  1. Interesting because your story of events has similar elements from my first marriage. My ex threatened to drive us off overpasses when I needed to talk about another certain incident that happened between us. A lot happened during my marriage and at the time I always thought it was my fault. I also knew I had to get out of the marriage and at the time felt guilty and that I was a quitter. I also thought I needed a concrete one good reason to be able to leave, like he cheated or hit me, I was sure he was going to lose his job and I was hoping he would because I thought I could use that as something concrete since he already lost a job in the past because he was a pot head…. Finally, I kissed someone else and said I cheated so that was my concrete evidence, seems kind of funny now because I had plenty of reasons to leave. I used to go to the gym after work because he would blow up at me everyday for nothing so I had to wait for him to smoke his doob before I went home, ate and went to bed. He also stabbed himself repeatedly in what I thought was his stomach in front of me when I said I was divorcing him and I went home to pack some stuff. I called 911 and it turned out he only had superficial scratches on his arm, he was pretty good actor. In the beginning I used to ask myself, did I make the right decision? The answer was and always is, yes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was NEVER your fault. The abuser is all about trying to control. Is it not amazing the lengths some people will go to when trying to maintain control of someone? That was awfully nice of you to call 911. Had it been me, I would have sat down to watch him bleed to death. I would have told him I wanted to make sure he was good and dead. (I am not overly nice once a person gets on that list.) I am VERY glad you were able to leave.

      I, too, felt guilty. I knew I had to get out. However, at the time, I viewed it as I would be quitting. It would be a failure on my part. I did not want a failure. At that point, I was determined to make it work. I wanted my children to bee raised in a two-parent home.

      Some things are not meant to be. For me, it would boil down to life or death. I can honestly say, I do not regret my decision to leave.

      ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • It was awfully dumb of me to run up to the bedroom for my phone where I could have been trapped! I agree it is amazing how far someone will go to maintain control. It also amazes me how mad it makes them when the person they are trying to control wakes up and puts a stop to it. I have also seen this with some of my family members. Yep, that’s right, MANIPULATORS, I’m onto your game and you don’t like it, too bad! I feel so free. 😂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Aww, that really sucks, and that is really scary, he was a terrible person for doing that to you, no one should be treated like that, you are an amazing strong person to have seen the signs, learn the signals and get out. 💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Trust me, it took a while before I did. I was never so glad for the mandatory counseling as I was then. Getting out was a little tricky. But I eventually did!

      I’m not the only one who is strong. You are just as amazing and as strong, if not stronger, than I am!

      💜💜💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

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