It has been so long since I actually sat down and blogged. I should be studying but feel the need to get this darkness out. Maybe it is the weather? Maybe it is the frustration of knowing I need to get this certification but lack the drive and desire to just buckle down and get it? Or it could be because I am only down 13.8 pounds since October 2014, yet two guys I work with have dropped a shit-ton of weight since April 2016. (One of them is literally half the man he used to be size-wise!)
I have finally started walking the pups regularly again. I have gotten back into working out three times per week (except this week). I am watching my food intake, for the most part. I have returned to logging my food on MyFitnessPal.
I know what sent me down further into the dark, twisty place today. A friend from work happened to see me walking the dogs this morning and recorded a 10-second clip. (The trail we walk on runs right behind my office building.) The office he was in is located on the first floor, but appears more like a second floor from the back side of the building. So, it was taken from an elevated angle.
He caught me as I was heading back toward home. Arms were swinging wide back and forth. Head pretty much rolling around on my shoulders. And then there is the waddle. Nope. It is not a pregnant waddle. It is the Fat Girl Waddle. Just before the clip ends, you can hear him ask, “Why is she walking like that?”
This is what I had to say to his question:
I know he meant no disrespect and no harm. I know him and know it was captured all in good fun. Honestly. I know this. However, it smashed my fragile self-esteem and literally made me cry – tears of embarrassment cry.
The video drove home just how short and fat I am. I was almost to a point of body acceptance – almost. I knew I had let myself go physically. For a while I had even fooled myself into thinking I did not look like a Two-Ton-Tessie. Seeing me in video or in any picture tells a whole different story.
I am aggravated with myself because I had fallen off the wagon and into a crater and have been dwelling there for six months. I am frustrated that I have not had that damn “AHA” moment so many people say they have had to get them to buckle down and stay the course. I am annoyed because there are hundreds of thousands of food/meal plans and I cannot find a single one I know I will be able to sustain for the rest of my life. I am disheartened because so many people are able to give up soda or carbs and drop a crap-ton of weight, yet I am lucky if I lose one damn pound.
Tonight, right now, I am going to dig deep into that dark and twisty place that is my brain-housing group. I am going to spew out the negative thoughts rolling around, bouncing off all walls up there. This is going to be no-holds barred. It is about to get ugly. It is about to get honest. It is about to get real. This is ME. This is what I am thinking and feeling.
- When I saw that video, I mean really looked and watched it, all I could see was a 5’2″, 211 pound walking, talking, breathing pile of lard.
- It’s amazing no one was yelling, “EARTHQUAKE” with every step I took.
- When I look in the mirror, I do not see a 211 pound woman who walks her dogs every day, eats somewhat healthfully, and works out at least three times per week. No. I see a 650 pound fat sow who should probably head to the damn slaughter house.
- Mr Potato Head called it. I am a fat, lazy bitch who does nothing but sit on my big, fat, lazy ass all day.
- Yo’! Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down!
- Every. Fucking. Thing. Jiggles.
- Do you serve peaches with those Cottage Cheese Ass and Thighs?
- Your belly overhang is so large, it is a bloody miracle it is not hanging down on the ground!
- Same thing can be said about your boobs!
- BEEP BEEP! Wide Load Coming Through!
- Jeezus! Your calf is bigger than your daughter’s thigh!
No. Those are not all of them. There are plenty more. They are the ones which popped into my head right away.
Time for me to move to something POSITIVE.
- I am getting back on track.
- I am healthy (well, at least 85%).
- I have the support of my beautiful friend Jenn.
- I am acknowledging the fact I am in a dark and twisty place at the moment.
- My body has fat and cellulite. So do many other bodies.
- I do not have to have another colonoscopy for 10 years!
- My husband loves me, lumps, bumps and all.
- My children love me unconditionally.
- Honey and Milo send me to my Happy Place every day.
- I am smart.
- I am a survivor.
- I love and I am loved.